July 26, 2009, Japanese Psychology 1001

I spoke to my host mom today for a few hours after dessert. We speak about a lot: Everything from my family at home, to depression, to typical Japanese behavior, explained. She really understands my broken Japanese well, and I am able to understand everything she tells me, even the complicated stuff, in Japanese. I think my host family is a good balance of everything. They make jokes, they laugh, they are very resourceful, concerned, inquisitive, interested in my own personal life and goals, and provide me with encouraging praise. Feels like a family. I have never been so smothered by “family” in my life. I was always so independent, and no one cared about what I was going to do with my life, or where I was heading. My real family never questioned my actions or motives, or even my schedule. I was free without limits. I’m not trying to say I am limited here, I just feel like these people, who are complete strangers that took me in with no relation to them, always make a genuine effort to be an active part of my life. It’s a strange, yet awesome feeling, I guess.

So I guess I am most curious about how society works in Japan. How women and men think. My host mother told me that women who went to a really good school, have really good jobs in Japan, and make a lot of money, and come from a very good family have an incredibly hard time finding a boyfriend. And a boyfriend who is willing to discuss living arrangements and the future (manners such as marriage, who will become the housewife, etc) is even harder to find (it’s hard for any woman to find a man willing to discuss these matters). In fact, if they are beautiful, it’s even harder, not easier. Men in this country want a woman who is weaker than they are, who make less money than they do, who are less smart than themselves. All they want is a woman to come home to, who will take care of all their needs. Even the most successful man, who is making the most money, and has come from the most elite family doesn’t want a woman who is his equal; rather he wants a woman who is weaker and lower than himself. Funny thing is, I’m sure that some guys in America have somewhat of a similar mindset (wink wink). Anyway, this is a huge problem in Japan, and it doesn’t help the women who want power and a life with a man as well. So most of these elite women are single forever and die lonely. Sexist? Hell yes!

I thought old people in Japan might still have a conservative mindset about the expected roles of women’s and men’s in society (because I heard that long ago Japan was sexist), but I hoped the younger generations had different opinions. So I did a survey in Hakodate, Hokkaido for my independent project and found surprising results. I gave the survey to 10 people, which is definitely not enough, but the answers were so similar, I was shocked to see everyone had the same mindset. My survey asked the following questions (after preliminary questions about gender and age, etc):
1. Pretend there is no such thing as day care. A woman is 30 years old and working. Should she continue working or quit her job, get married, and have kids? What about if she was 40 years old? What is the normal lifestyle of a woman?
2. A man is 30 years old and working. Should he continue working or quit his job, get married, and have kids? What about if he was 40 years old? What is the normal lifestyle of a man?
3. If the woman’s salary is higher, should the man quit his job to become a housewife and help raise the kid?

Results: All the boys I gave the survey to were about 18-21 years old, Hakodate University Students. All of the boys said that women should quit their own job, get married, and have kids. The normal lifestyle of a woman is to support the household by becoming a housewife, and the normal lifestyle of a man is to support the household by working and making money. They say that a man should get married, but also should keep working. They all agreed that a man should not quit his job and become a housewife. He has the responsibility to work and make money.

I also gave the survey to 3 Hakodate University women between the ages of 19-21 and 2 older women who were not affiliated. The University women had relatively the same answers as the boys. One girl’s reason for this was because her parents are this way. My host mom interpreted it as since she sees her parents like that, and they seem happy, she wants the same lifestyle. But for question 3, their answer differed a bit compared to the boys. They said that the woman should discuss this with the man and if the man is okay with being a housewife, then he can do that. The older women (age range: 40-42) had a very open mindset. Although, the older women have had the experience of going to America and were there for about 2 months (one of the University female student said she was in America for 10 days). The difference in opinion might have been created by their stay in America or it might have been their age that was the key factor, or a combination of both. These older women believed that it is totally up to the women to decide what she wants to do and how she wants to live, and this is true for whatever age she might be. One woman also noted that she should discuss it with her partner and they should decide together. They both said that because there are so many different ways for women to live, that one cannot say what is normal. For question 2, the older women said that fundamentally the man should continue working, and if his work allows it, he can take days off to raise the child. One woman wrote that if he had interest in raising the child, that instead of the wife becoming the housewife, he could become the housewife and raise the child if he wanted. They both said it is hard to define what a normal lifestyle is for a man and that he should do as he wishes. For the last question, the older women said they should discuss who will become the housewife, but the most important thing is doing what you want with your own life.

All in all, I was shocked with how conservative the younger generation is. Is this just because I am in Hokkaido? Is this the mindset of Hokkaido? Is this just the mindset of Hakodate University students? Do city kids have a different perspective? I guess you really do become wise with age. I wonder what older men think.

I spoke with my host mom also about the awkwardness of Japanese people. When walking in the street, or in the supermarket, when people want to walk past you, they make it seem like the most difficult thing. They stand around, take a few steps left, a few steps right, and stand still for a bit, confused, and then walked all the way around you. Saying “excuse me” so that I could move one step over would solve the problem, but they avoid it and decide to prolong their advancement and thus make it awkward. My host mom said that Japanese people avoid saying “excuse me” and she doesn’t know why people don’t just do it. It’s strange, even for her. Maybe Japanese people like creating an awkward moment. I think those moments are funny, and watching their expression is even funnier.

Also, making Japanese friends is hard/almost impossible. My school, HIF, is in the same building with Japanese students who are studying Russian. These students talk with the American people who can speak very good Japanese, but for the ones who are not so fluent, they seem to avoid. And, they also seemed annoyed when we tried to speak to them in Japanese, and so we gave up being friends. When we ask them a question in Japanese, they say one word and hesitated. Awkward! During the little break we had from school a few weeks ago, when we went to Toyako with some Hakodate University students. The ones who had interest in speaking English/ wanted to be an English teacher/ liked English were the kids who seemed willing to speak with us in Japanese. The other kids didn’t seem too interested. I thought that maybe the others, the ones who didn’t like English or didn’t speak it too well, were afraid that maybe when they answer us in Japanese we would not be able to understand them, and then they wouldn’t be able to translate or explain. I told this to my host mom, and she said she doesn’t think that’s the case. She said that Japanese students want to talk to Americans. Even though they might look annoyed on the outside, that’s not how they feel on the inside. But most just have no confidence in their English or themselves and that’s the problem. They might have all these things to say, but don’t know how to start a topic (thus the Americans were great topic starters and always started a topic) and so they freeze. I think that’s a huge problem, and I have noticed it by talking to some Japanese young people. The ones who have less confidence in themselves as a person really don’t want to talk too much. The ones who have more confidence are willing to be part of a conversation. Maybe it’s just harder for them to open up and so to be friends with someone like that you have to talk to them little by little for a long time. That’s a lot of time invested for very little return.