November 5, 2009: At War with Myself

Nijo Castle of Kyoto

A view from above of the grounds of Nijo Castle

At times I get surges, I feel the passion to become a doctor reignite inside of me. I feel like I can accomplish anything. But it is temporary and I cannot control it. These surges take over at any time they please, any moment, whether it is while I am in bed with a cold, or biking to school. But then the fiery passion fades, ever so slowly it does so. I feel teased, but have no one to blame but myself.

I’ve wanted to be a doctor since 10 years old. Although I feared I might contract every kind of disease out there, I was attracted to the descriptions of the ailments; there was an intense appeal that I found in reading the symptoms. The knowledge felt like liquefied gold that was being poured onto my maturing brain.

When you are little, it seems like anything is possible. Growing up, that mentality of mine was certainly encouraged and I was told to pursue what I wanted to do in life; as long as it fit in the small to zero budget my family and I had of course. It’s really all up to me. As I applied to colleges, I felt like that dream solidified, but my college education has done nothing but dissolve my dream into a fine powder, and the elements that built the foundation of this dream is slowly blowing away with the eastern winds. Maybe going to an ivy league was a mistake. Maybe I could have been more successful had I gone to a state school. Maybe my whole wave of thinking is distorted. Maybe I should have chosen a different career. Maybe I should have majored in writing, or math, or Japanese. Maybe I should have never dreamed big in the first place.

Since I was little, as shy I was at first, it was easy for me to make friends, but just as easy to lose them. Moving to a different town changes everything. In college, the friends I have made, although I’ve want to keep forever, friendship, like any relationship, is a two way street, and if both don’t make equal efforts, there is no friendship. With this in mind, I feel that I have lost many a friendships, the world forcing me to conclude that friends are never forever. I yearn for a friend I can share everything with, and though I thought I have found a few, with distance, of course situations change. Maybe my whole idea of friend is all wrong. Maybe I expect too much from the people I care about. Maybe I expect a friend to be more like a sister than a friend. Maybe I think they are more valuable than they are worth. In college, I have had friends that were on the same track as me, they wanted to be a doctor, came from better High Schools than me, but have already quit on that dream. I stand alone fighting for my dream, hesitating to continue onwards because I have so many other interests that get in the way. College provides too many opportunities. Or is it that I feel that if I follow my dream, I’ll loose all the ones I love, whether it is because of distance or lack of authenticity? I guess, then, this would make my friendships superficial and the superficial friendships/relationships with people that can’t stand to those mere obstacles are then not worth my energy.

I am at a constant war with myself. I came to Japan to take a break from my serious studies, to think about my future. I welcome the turmoil that comes because without this turmoil, I would not think about my future, but yet I still am undecided. I want to go to medical school, but I also want to go to graduate school for psychology. I have developed a keen interest in psychology, but don’t know if that transference of interest is just a lazy attempt that I have created to avoid medical school; Or if it is just a cause of me wanting to follow a friend who has a similar interest. I want to give up my dream. I want to throw it all away but I just can’t watch it burn away. I can’t throw all the trouble and ache I have endured for this dream just like that. I’m stuck at a fork in the road. If I am willing to throw away this dream, then I might as well just go into law or anything I want. What do I want?